SELF-CARE IS NEVER SELFISH

Many people learn, from the time they are small children, that the best way to manage, get along, survive even, in their relationships with other people is to put themselves second. 

Maybe they grew up with addicted parents or parent ... or in otherwise unpredictable family circumstances. 

Maybe, especially if they are girls, they were taught that their lot in life is to defer, to serve others, especially men.

There are various ways this stance in life and relationships is named - one of the most common ways to name it is caretaking. 

Caretaking is the relational habit - the learned behaviour of being in a relationship - where a person focuses all of their emotional energy and attention on another person, or other people. They do this so much so that they lose relationship with themselves. 

They caretake others to such a degree that they have no idea how to care for themselves. 

They lose themselves. 

Looking after myself? Making sure I'm feeling OK? Taking care of my own needs? ....

Not even on the radar.

People who put themselves second in relationships have heard the message, or have told themselves, that all of the above are ways of being S E L F I S H ... and if they take some time to be selfish ... who knows what will happen?

They send themselves this message: ' ... all I know for sure is, whatever happens, I'll be to blame because I was being selfish ....'

The truth is, self-care is not being selfish. It's about deepening your self-awareness so you know what your limits are, and what boundaries you need to have in place in all your relationships.

In fact, self-care is really an act of generosity. 

The American writer and educator Parker Palmer puts it this way: 

Your Best, Most Balanced Self is Your Greatest Asset:

Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.

It's a powerful thing - to tell someone, or infer, that they're being selfish when they put their own needs first. (Someone tells a person ... then that someone's voice resonates forever when the person begins to say it to themselves ... on and on ...)

Or, more insidiously, the unspoken message received is that keeping the peace and getting along depends on one person getting their own way (or else!) ... and others deferring to him or her. (How strange it is to say, but the message is: "if you don't do what I want or listen to what I say, then YOU are being selfish".) 

But it's crucial that you learn self-care, because it is the only way to ensure that you really can help someone else - that you can give of yourself - with boundaries. (That's called caregiving by the way.) Your life depends on it. 

And the hard truth is - helping someone just might mean saying no.