POWERLESS IS NOT THE SAME AS HELPLESS

Recently I read an interesting blog on the Psychology Today website by Dr. Lance Dodes.

It got me thinking about the words we use when we talk about addiction and addiction's affects on relationships; and how our use of words sometimes makes it difficult to sort through the complexities of this devastating relational, human problem. 

To give you an example about what I mean, I'll refer directly to Dr. Dodes' article. His point is to explain the psychology behind addictive behaviours. First he says this:

.... addictive behavior is a temporary solution designed to reverse feelings of overwhelming helplessness. It is not at all motivated by a search for pleasure. In fact, it is almost precisely the opposite of a search for pleasure.

Then, later in the same article he uses an example to underscore his point, and says this:

Of course his drinking could be said to be out-of-control behavior, but looking at it from the inside out we can see it as a specific mechanism to manage intolerable feelings, an effort to maintain control against overwhelming powerlessness.

The words I want to draw atteniton to are, of course, helpless and powerless.

In the existential context of the human being, helplessness and powerlessness are very different realities, and to use them interchangeably diminishes both our experience and the spiritual reality of being human. 

OK, let me begin to explain, but I have to acknowledge that this is a sublime topic - and what I'm going to say here barely scratches the surface:

Powerlessness is a profound spiritual reality, while helplessness is a learned behaviour. 

Powerlessness is an acceptance of a reality - a surrender to reality if you like. When I am able to accept my powerlessness in a given situation, my choices multiply. In others words I can begin to see alternatives rather than bumping up against someting repeatedly in exactly the same way. I can begin to see a problem differently and then make decisions about what I can do about it.

Helplessness on the other hand is the belief that no matter what I do, nothing will change. When I believe I am helpless in a given situation, I am convinced that I have no choice - usually based on my experience in other situations - but to do the same thing in all situations. 

For the addict, or the people who love the addict for that matter, this difference is crucial. Most of us confuse powerlessness with helplessness - and will fight against accepting what we think is helplessness, sometimes to our dying breath.  We believe that to give in is to surrender to despair.

But when I drink too much or have become dependent on other drugs, my real struggle is against powerlessness, and that can be a great tragedy, because the struggle doesn't have to be. As I said, accepting powerlessness is an acceptance of reality - and when that acceptance occurs, there is relief, and peace. Accepting powerlessness means, paradoxically, that I can relax and enjoy my life because I don't have to fight against my drinking or using.  I can give up the fight and use my energies for more creative things - I can turn away from a relationship that is killing me (with alcohol or other drugs) and find joy in relationships that have meaning (friends? spouses? children? ... ) When I accept powerlessness my choices open up for me.

Of course the difference between helplessness and powerlessness is important far beyond the experience of addiction and its effects on relationships. Understanding the difference is a big part of our spiritual path. We are powerless over many people, situations and things that we encounter every day. But we are rarely, if ever helpless. We can always do something different, even if what we do is as simple and as private as changing our attitude. 

In the context of the struggle against addiction and it's effects on relationships, understanding the difference saves lives. When we accept our powerlessness, the next step is learning to accept help, and that's difficult for the self-reliant, defiant and grandiose. 

If you want to explore that next step, please read another article on this website:

POWERLESSNESS PART II: LEARNING TO ASK FOR HELP.