A few years ago I spoke with a woman in my counselling office about her relationship with her husband who, based on what she told me about his behaviour, was in active addiction. And, his drug-of-choice - his committed love relationship - was with alcohol.
She had a long litany of stories and experiences to tell me: what it was like to live with a man who drank heavily when they got married ("he always drank - we drank with our friends - but up until a few years ago, he could always handle it. It seemed normal."), and how she saw his relationship with alcohol slowly consume him. She described a family that was repeatedly traumatized (my word, not hers) by his behaviour when he drank - which for awhile now had become virtually every day ("our daughter hates him - she doesn't want to be in our house anymore").
She was desperate for a solution. In her opinion she'd tried everything to make him change. She said she was at the end of her rope ... she needed help ... come to think of it though, she never said that.
Actually, I remember her search for solutions more as a stream of accounts about her husband's bad behaviour, his lies and manipulations .. his defiance and grandiosity ... her fear and anger, anxiety and despair, embarrassment and shame. She really wanted me to agree on what a jerk he was.
"Here I am in counselling and he's at home drinking right now", she said.
What I saw, even more than a solution was her desperate need for affirmation from me that indeed this was an terrible situation. She wanted me to hear and understand very clearly that he was out of control and she was not insane - that she was not what he accused her of being - a controlling bitch who spoiled his life's only pleasure, having a few drinks after a hard day's work.
After about forty minutes of observing her high anxiety and listening to her obvious distress, I began cautiously to shift the conversation from his behaviour to hers.
I asked questions like:
How did you feel when ....?
What did you do when ...?
How did you handle yourself ...?
What was it like for you to .....?
What was that like for you when ...?
However, instead of seeing her become more grounded and reflective (which I'd hoped), the more I asked about her the more distant was her manner ...
In the end I had to give up on my cautious tone and speak more directly.
"It sounds like it's survival time in your marriage. It's time for you to look after you own survival. You've got to stop thinking about him or the ways you can get him to change, and start thinking about yourself ... about your own health and happiness."
She wanted no part of that. All she heard was my advice to leave him. (Did you hear that in my words?)
I was trying to help her see that her happiness did not depend on him changing. She didn't have to leave him to find happiness (on the other hand she might) but in my opinion whether or not to leave him didn't have to be her first concern. What that first concern needed to be was to turn her attention to, and take responsibility for, her own behaviour which was, through and through, enabling behaviour.
Enabling is essentially the inability, or the refusal, to allow another person to experience the consequences of their behaviour.
And what's the payoff for the enabler? They don't have to take responsibility for themselves.
I tried to help her see that turning her attention to herself and her own behaviour (to her self-care) was to stand up to her husband's relationship with alcohol. Being attentive to her own happiness was to live no longer at the service of addiction. It would break the spell and begin to set her and her family free.
As I said, she didn't want any part of it ... we ended the session and parted politely without scheduling a follow-up session. I never saw her again.
Monday 18 November 2013
Monday 11 November 2013
THE BEST WAY TO SUPPORT SOMEONE'S RECOVERY
I'm often asked: "What can I do to support my wife/son/father's recovery. Should we have alcohol in the house? Should we drink wine at Christmas? And so on ...
Here's the answer I always give:
The best way to support the recovery of someone you love is to undertake your own emotional recovery. Loving someone who is chemically dependent is a traumatic experience. Accepting that fact is difficult, but the sooner you can do so, the quicker your own recovery can begin - and happier, healthier relationships can be built.
Everything will not be OK just because the chemically dependent person stops drinking or using. New relationships must be built - even with family members.
It's also important to accept that you don't have to wait until the chemically dependent person starts his or her healing before you can start yours.
If you're tired of waiting for somebody else to change, you might think about changing the only person you have any influence over - yourself.
Here are some simple but profound reflections by someone who is doing the work of emotional recovery from loving someone who is chemically dependent. (I've altered some minor details to protect the person's confidentiality).
I'm realizing that I cannot do my recovery alone
- being OK to ask for help ... it's not a sign of weakness.
- being vulnerable is OK ... it's OK to let people in and trust them.
- I need a mirror to be held up to me by somebody I trust so I can become more self-aware.
- I'm so intent on self-control
- I'm too hard on myself and blame myself for my wife/son/father's addiction.
- I've been focusing too much on me and figuring it out on my own instead of letting people in and allowing them to walk with me on my journey.
- I need my support network to help me in my recovery - to work at my resentment - to separate forgiveness from saying what my wife/son/father is doing is OK - and to release the power that my wife/son/father still has over me.
I welcome your questions and comments
Here's the answer I always give:
The best way to support the recovery of someone you love is to undertake your own emotional recovery. Loving someone who is chemically dependent is a traumatic experience. Accepting that fact is difficult, but the sooner you can do so, the quicker your own recovery can begin - and happier, healthier relationships can be built.
Everything will not be OK just because the chemically dependent person stops drinking or using. New relationships must be built - even with family members.
It's also important to accept that you don't have to wait until the chemically dependent person starts his or her healing before you can start yours.
If you're tired of waiting for somebody else to change, you might think about changing the only person you have any influence over - yourself.
Here are some simple but profound reflections by someone who is doing the work of emotional recovery from loving someone who is chemically dependent. (I've altered some minor details to protect the person's confidentiality).
I'm realizing that I cannot do my recovery alone
- being OK to ask for help ... it's not a sign of weakness.
- being vulnerable is OK ... it's OK to let people in and trust them.
- I need a mirror to be held up to me by somebody I trust so I can become more self-aware.
- I'm so intent on self-control
- I'm too hard on myself and blame myself for my wife/son/father's addiction.
- I've been focusing too much on me and figuring it out on my own instead of letting people in and allowing them to walk with me on my journey.
- I need my support network to help me in my recovery - to work at my resentment - to separate forgiveness from saying what my wife/son/father is doing is OK - and to release the power that my wife/son/father still has over me.
I welcome your questions and comments
Tuesday 5 November 2013
ANNOYING EUPHEMISMS PART II: SUBSTANCE ABUSE
In a recent post I wrote about mild or indirect words or expressions substituted for one considered to be harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant of embarrassing - which is the definition of a euphemism according to the Oxford dictionary.
Of course our language is full of euphemisms, they're a normal part of everyday life (rest room, sleep with, .... ).
We use them to speak delicately about something, or to be polite (she's expecting...).
For some reason that I can't figure out, the subject of alcoholism/addiction is full of euphemisms (wild partying lifestyle ... tie one on ... three-sheets-to-the-wind ... getting wasted ...)
I find two of these euphemisms particularly annoying. Last time I addressed the functional alcoholic - this time let's turn to the ubiquitous expression substance abuse.
Something unpleasant or embarrassing ..............
Diseases don't normally have euphemisms - cancer is cancer ... diabetes is named that. They, and other diseases that are potentially fatal, are unpleasant and sometimes embarrassing, but we name them and use that name when talking about them. Why does this disease have so many names? Chemical dependency, addiction, alcoholism and so on. Even if it could be narrowed down to those three, discourse about it would become more direct and to the point.
Obviously the weakness in any discourse (and the temptation to use euphemistic language) begins with the disagreement about what to name the problem itself - in this case, the disease. (At an even more basic level one must admit that there are still - even though decreasing in number - people who deny there is a disease present at all.)
And the terms we use are all too narrow, they don't cover the pervasiveness of the behaviours that characterize the disease. It's more than just chemical dependency - certainly more than alcohol (although alcohol is still by far the behaviour of choice for people who suffer from the disease). Even the word addiction has been domesticated so much that its everyday meaning has been minimized and made cute (being addicted to chocolate brownies, or Seinfeld reruns, and so on.)
So, what are we left with? Euphemistic language - delicate terms designed not to offend or be seen to be judgemental - about a disease that is permanent (incurable), pervasive, progressive, primary and predictable - and above all, fatal.
Even professionals in the field of assessing and treating the disease are not immune to the trap of using euphemistic language when talking about addiction.
An example from the Huffington Post recently caught my eye: "Veterans dealing with substance abuse and PTSD suffer as much from stigma as they do from these very real illnesses."
I certainly do agree there's a stigma associated with the disease. My point is, substance abuse is not the name of this very real illness - substance abuse is a euphemism.
And, the point I'm coming to realize even as I write this, and why I find euphemistic language around this disease so annoying: because it is dangerous.
Why?
Because using a euphemism in itself minimizes, or at least speaks delicately about, a deadly illness that has the potential to destroy lives and relationships - a disease that exacts a toll on communities - societies, cultures, nation-states. A disease that is a plague on families generation after generation after ....
Am I overstating it?
I don't think so. I'm zeroing in on the euphemism because our language reflects our attitudes, and substance abuse is an expression that reflects an attitude that is, at the very least, two-fold:
First of all, that it's all about the substances (eliminate or enforce strict limits on addictive substances and there should be no more problem - declare WAR on the substances if necessary) ...
And secondly, that it's only abuse, it's not an illness (even though, as we've seen from the example above, some use the euphemism to talk about the illness itself). And, directly related to the stigma referred to above, the attitude behind the euphemism is that everyone can control their use of substances - especially alcohol. Using substance abuse when talking about addiction supports and promotes the belief that no one should be denied the pleasure of 'a few drinks' , or (insert here the alcohol-related advertising slogan of your choice ... ) by alarmists who call the relational process between a person and a life-threatening substance a disease.
When someone uses the phrase substance abuse there appears to be no understanding of the pathology - lack of control, obsessive thinking, and so on - of addiction.
The use of euphemisms can be harmless - they are part of the language of everyday life. But when I hear one used to name the disease of addiction I get a little passionate.
Excuse me while I take a few deep breaths. I'll be calmer next time.
Of course our language is full of euphemisms, they're a normal part of everyday life (rest room, sleep with, .... ).
We use them to speak delicately about something, or to be polite (she's expecting...).
For some reason that I can't figure out, the subject of alcoholism/addiction is full of euphemisms (wild partying lifestyle ... tie one on ... three-sheets-to-the-wind ... getting wasted ...)
I find two of these euphemisms particularly annoying. Last time I addressed the functional alcoholic - this time let's turn to the ubiquitous expression substance abuse.
Something unpleasant or embarrassing ..............
Diseases don't normally have euphemisms - cancer is cancer ... diabetes is named that. They, and other diseases that are potentially fatal, are unpleasant and sometimes embarrassing, but we name them and use that name when talking about them. Why does this disease have so many names? Chemical dependency, addiction, alcoholism and so on. Even if it could be narrowed down to those three, discourse about it would become more direct and to the point.
Obviously the weakness in any discourse (and the temptation to use euphemistic language) begins with the disagreement about what to name the problem itself - in this case, the disease. (At an even more basic level one must admit that there are still - even though decreasing in number - people who deny there is a disease present at all.)
And the terms we use are all too narrow, they don't cover the pervasiveness of the behaviours that characterize the disease. It's more than just chemical dependency - certainly more than alcohol (although alcohol is still by far the behaviour of choice for people who suffer from the disease). Even the word addiction has been domesticated so much that its everyday meaning has been minimized and made cute (being addicted to chocolate brownies, or Seinfeld reruns, and so on.)
So, what are we left with? Euphemistic language - delicate terms designed not to offend or be seen to be judgemental - about a disease that is permanent (incurable), pervasive, progressive, primary and predictable - and above all, fatal.
Even professionals in the field of assessing and treating the disease are not immune to the trap of using euphemistic language when talking about addiction.
An example from the Huffington Post recently caught my eye: "Veterans dealing with substance abuse and PTSD suffer as much from stigma as they do from these very real illnesses."
I certainly do agree there's a stigma associated with the disease. My point is, substance abuse is not the name of this very real illness - substance abuse is a euphemism.
And, the point I'm coming to realize even as I write this, and why I find euphemistic language around this disease so annoying: because it is dangerous.
Why?
Because using a euphemism in itself minimizes, or at least speaks delicately about, a deadly illness that has the potential to destroy lives and relationships - a disease that exacts a toll on communities - societies, cultures, nation-states. A disease that is a plague on families generation after generation after ....
Am I overstating it?
I don't think so. I'm zeroing in on the euphemism because our language reflects our attitudes, and substance abuse is an expression that reflects an attitude that is, at the very least, two-fold:
First of all, that it's all about the substances (eliminate or enforce strict limits on addictive substances and there should be no more problem - declare WAR on the substances if necessary) ...
And secondly, that it's only abuse, it's not an illness (even though, as we've seen from the example above, some use the euphemism to talk about the illness itself). And, directly related to the stigma referred to above, the attitude behind the euphemism is that everyone can control their use of substances - especially alcohol. Using substance abuse when talking about addiction supports and promotes the belief that no one should be denied the pleasure of 'a few drinks' , or (insert here the alcohol-related advertising slogan of your choice ... ) by alarmists who call the relational process between a person and a life-threatening substance a disease.
When someone uses the phrase substance abuse there appears to be no understanding of the pathology - lack of control, obsessive thinking, and so on - of addiction.
The use of euphemisms can be harmless - they are part of the language of everyday life. But when I hear one used to name the disease of addiction I get a little passionate.
Excuse me while I take a few deep breaths. I'll be calmer next time.
You can read more articles on Relationships and Recovery at my new blog address: www.dalemacintyre.blogspot.com
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