POWERLESS AND HELPLESS: PART ONE

The words we use when we talk about addiction and addiction's affects on relationships are hugely important. But sometimes our use of words makes it difficult to sort through the complexities of this devastating relational, human problem. 

The words I want to draw attention to are helpless and powerless.

In everyday life the experience of feeling helpless and being powerless -  are very different things - even though we use words interchangeably. But to do so diminishes both our experience and the spiritual reality of being human. 

OK, let me begin to explain, but I have to acknowledge that this is a sublime topic - and what I'm going to say here barely scratches the surface:

Powerlessness is a profound spiritual reality, while helplessness is a learned behaviour. 

What I mean in everyday language is this: being powerless is a fact. We experience it all the time. There is no escaping powerlessness. But the truth is, we are never helpless - it's a belief based on a false assessment of things. It may seem strange to say, but we always have a choice. 

Powerlessness is an acceptance of a reality - a surrender to reality if you like. When I am able to accept my powerlessness in some situation, my choices multiply. In others words, I can begin to see alternatives rather than bumping up against something repeatedly in exactly the same way. I can begin to see a problem differently and then make decisions about what I can do about it.

Helplessness on the other hand is the belief that no matter what I do, nothing will change. When I believe I am helpless in a given situation, I am convinced that I have no choice - usually based on my experience in other situations - but to do the same thing in all situations. 

 Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

For the addict, or the people who love the addict for that matter, this difference is crucial. Most of us confuse powerlessness with helplessness - and will fight against accepting what we think is helplessness, sometimes to our dying breath.  We believe that to give in is to surrender to despair.

But when I drink too much or have become dependent on other drugs, my real struggle is against powerlessness, and that can be a great tragedy, because the struggle doesn't have to be. As I said, accepting powerlessness is an acceptance of reality - and when that acceptance occurs, there is relief, and peace. Accepting powerlessness means, paradoxically, that I can relax and enjoy my life because I don't have to fight against my drinking or using.  I can give up the fight and use my energies for more creative things. I can turn away from a relationship that is killing me (with alcohol or other drugs) and find joy in relationships that have meaning (friends? spouses? children? ... ) When I accept powerlessness my choices open up for me.

Of course the difference between helplessness and powerlessness is important far beyond the experience of addiction and its effects on relationships. But learning to understand the difference is a big part of our spiritual path. When we do learn and begin to live in the difference our experience of life and relationships change. 

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. (Wayne Dyer)

We are powerless over many people, situations and things that we encounter every day. But we are never helpless. We can always do something different, even if what we do is as simple and as private as changing our attitude. 

In the context of the struggle against addiction and it's effects on relationships, understanding the difference between powerlessness and helplessness saves lives. When we accept our powerlessness, the next step is learning to accept help, and that's difficult for the self-reliant, defiant and grandiose. 

This difference is an important subject, so I'll come back to it next time with some illustrations from everyday life. 

ADDICTION IS A RELATIONAL DISEASE: REVISITED

As much as cultures, communities and individuals hate to admit it, some people can't control their use of alcohol and other drugs and need to stop using them. How to accomplish the stopping is the challenge - and, when you consider the disease closely, it's really about how relationships need to change.

Addiction (or alcoholism, or chemical dependency) is a mysterious and complex disease, and our rational, scientific brains don't do well with mystery and complexity.
It is a disease of the whole person and all of his or her relationships. In other words, it is a pervasive, relational illness.
That means no one who is in relationship with the addict (or alcoholic or chemically dependent person) is unaffected: family, friends, co-workers, employers, employees ... 
And the closer the emotional connection in the relationship, the greater the impact, the deeper the hurt.

Here's another way to look at addiction as a relational disease:

The disease does not lie solely in the substance (the drug of choice) - in other words, the issue is not how addictive the substance is ... 

Nor does it lie in the person (the addict) - the issue is not solely about an addictive personality or addictive genes ...

Addiction is in the relationship between the person and the substance.

To put it in terms we are comfortable with: the brain chemistry of the person connects with the chemical makeup of the substance to form an exclusive, passionate,pathological and lethal relationship. 

The relationship of the addict to their drug of choice is their primary, most important relationship. It is an emotional, love relationship.
Every other relationship in their lives - including children, spouses, parents - is secondary.
And, every other relationship is at the service of their relationship with their drug of choice.

Now it gets really complicated and mysterious - and devastating to children and families:

Deep down, loved-ones, friends and so on, know that the addict's relationship with his or her drug of choice is more important than they are. They also know deep down that this relationship is putting the addict's life and relationships in great danger.  

So, loved-ones do everything they can to protect the addict from the consequences of their behaviour (this is what enabling is). They keep quiet and keep secrets.  They get into control mode, they compromise their personal values. They take responsibility for the disease and feel guilty about it .... and so on. 

They become obsessive and compulsive about their protecting and controlling behaviour - so much so that they lose themselves in the relationship with the addict.

Losing oneself because of complete emotional focus on others is the best definition there is of codependency. 

Over time, people hurt by someone else's addiction make so many accommodations and adaptations to the person that their behaviour and attitudes begin to mirror addiction itself.

Codependency mirrors addiction:

The addict's primary relationship (addiction) is with their drug of choice - it's a relational disease.


But it's also relational because the people who love the addict have a drug of choice too -  the addict. 

Putting it more bluntly: the codependent's drug of choice is the addict.   

Recovery means that relationships need to change:

The dance of  addiction and codependence - the symbiotic relationship of mutual benefit and dependence - continues for years, even over generations, until at least one person in the relationship decides to stop dancing and take responsibility for themselves and their own behaviour. 

Someone in a family decides that their life will no longer be at the service of addiction.

It could be the spouse, one of the children - even one of the parents.

It could be the addict.

People hurt by addiction need to learn how to recover their relationships with others - but especially with themselves.

The work of recovery is all about relationships: 

People in recovery are, above all, working on themselves (relationship with self), and taking their growing sense of responsibility and emotional maturity into their relationships with others.

The process of growing up emotionally cannot start too soon - especially when addiction has embedded itself in a family. 

Growing up emotionally. Seems like a good topic for next time.

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