POWERLESSNESS, PART II - LEARNING TO ASK FOR HELP

A few weeks ago I wrote about the difference between being helpless and being powerless (March 21, 2013). I ended this way:

When we accept our powerlessness, the next step is learning to accept help, and that's difficult for the self-reliant, defiant and grandiose. 
This difference is an important subject, so I'll come back to it next time with some illustrations from everyday life. 

It's not next time, but better late then never. so here goes: 

Personal powerlessness over others and other things is a fact of human existence. It is a deep spiritual reality, and knowing when to accept the fact of my powerlessness is the means to a happier, healthier and more peaceful life.  

It's also true that anytime, anywhere that I'm powerless, I need help, or support from somebody else. Pretty simple, and probably self-evident.

But it's amazing how the step from accepting that I'm powerless to asking someone to help me is so difficult that it stops me from even looking at the possibility that I might be powerless over something or someone. 

The prospect of having to ask for help can become a barrier to accepting that I'm powerless.  

It locks me into a self-reliant cycle of controlling behaviour and anxious, fearful, helpless feelings.

Melody Beattie puts it really well: "When I try to control myself by rigidly repressing my thoughts and feelings, I lose myself.  I fall deeper into the pit of myself and the morass of codependency."

[By the way, that's what codependency is: I focus so much attention on someone else, and deny myself so much, that I lose myself. Here's the challenge - if, as all the spiritual masters and saints - not to mention psychotherapists and counsellors - say, the ultimate goal is to give myself away, the first goal must be to gain a strong sense of self, so that I can give it away. In other words, the ego can only be transcended by first cultivating a strong ego. But I digress ... :-) ] 

When I accept that I'm powerless - let's say over someone's choice about whether they drink or not - I'm doing nothing less than surrendering to reality. Which is a very significant thing, believe it or not ....

I'm "giving my head a shake"
I'm "waking up and smelling the coffee" 

But, you say, if I stop my controlling and protecting and enabling, that person might embarrass me, or hurt me or someone else ... she might ruin us financially ...  he could end up living under a bridge ... and he might even die. And so on ...

You probably would also say, I know what I'm doing isn't helping, but I can't stop. I'm too scared

Or you might say, I'm sick of being blamed for the drinking and him accusing me of ruining his life. I'm not going to be around him anymore. I'm angry, resentful and ashamed - of myself and him. When I'm not with him I can put those feelings away, but they come out, usually directed at somebody else.

What's the common thread in all of that? And in every one of the millions of examples of why I can't accept powerlessness and surrender to reality?

It is simply this: I am afraid - that I will be left all alone - with overwhelming feelings and the crushing responsibility for something terrible that might happen ... maybe....

When I accept that I am powerless and shift my attention away from the other person and onto caring for myself,  and take responsibility for my own behaviour, I probably will feel many uncomfortable feelings.

If I give in and say yes - I feel frustrated and resentful.
When I set a boundary and say no - I feel anxious and guilty.

Am I saying if you do the right thing you'll still feel guilty?  Yes you no doubt will. That's the price we pay for being healthy, caring people.

But that's when you must recognize, and admit to yourself, that you need help. Help to walk through those painful, terrifying thoughts and feelings that tell you to say yes when you know it's right to say no.

You need someone to talk to, and be reminded that you're not alone.

Accepting personal powerlessness in any situation is difficult. But believing that you can find help and support in your powerlessness - and then accepting that help and support may be harder still.

But it's the best ticket out of a life that is under the thumb of addiction - your own, or that of someone you love.