A couple of weeks ago I wrote about addiction being an exclusive love-affair.
Let's take the metaphor of the love-affair one-step further.
Imagine this:
Let's take the metaphor of the love-affair one-step further.
Imagine this:
You're in a committed, long-term relationship (a.k.a. marriage, common-law or otherwise). You know things aren't perfect between you - never have been, never will be. But compared to some, you have a pretty happy life together.
Your partner has always had weaknesses - like flirting. You've never liked it, but you're sure the behaviour is harmless. After all, you can't really complain because that's how you got together in the first place - by flirting with each other.
Then, and you can't even exactly remember when, you start to feel really uncomfortable. Things begin to take a more serious turn - you become suspicious that there's an affair going on. You watch, you listen carefully to your partner's tone of voice when making excuses about being late or not calling. You start to investigate - checking into alibis, looking at telephone records ...
Finally, it all comes out - there is an affair going on, and it's been pretty long-term. Betrayal. Recriminations. Anger ... Hurt ... Disbelief ... Devastation ... Despair.
What do you do?
Well, after considering everything, including your own fear of many things ... You invite the other person in to live with you - into your family home. Into your bedroom.
You make every accommodation you can think of to fit this third person into your marriage:
You give them space for their time together (which is nearly every evening and weekend.)
You soothe your partner when they have a squabble.
You protect the lovers from outside interference from employers or the police.
You keep the children clear so their noise and questions don't annoy the lovers.
You make excuses to the kids.
You protect their privacy.
If your children are teens or adults, you do everything you can to convince them this arrangement is best for everyone.
You always have your inner antennae out to detect any and all of your partner's emotional needs.
You keep secrets from friends and extended family - or you come up with clever excuses if they become suspicious.
You endure the abusive comments - or worse - to keep the peace.
Then, and you can't even exactly remember when, you start to feel really uncomfortable. Things begin to take a more serious turn - you become suspicious that there's an affair going on. You watch, you listen carefully to your partner's tone of voice when making excuses about being late or not calling. You start to investigate - checking into alibis, looking at telephone records ...
Finally, it all comes out - there is an affair going on, and it's been pretty long-term. Betrayal. Recriminations. Anger ... Hurt ... Disbelief ... Devastation ... Despair.
What do you do?
Well, after considering everything, including your own fear of many things ... You invite the other person in to live with you - into your family home. Into your bedroom.
You make every accommodation you can think of to fit this third person into your marriage:
You give them space for their time together (which is nearly every evening and weekend.)
You soothe your partner when they have a squabble.
You protect the lovers from outside interference from employers or the police.
You keep the children clear so their noise and questions don't annoy the lovers.
You make excuses to the kids.
You protect their privacy.
If your children are teens or adults, you do everything you can to convince them this arrangement is best for everyone.
You always have your inner antennae out to detect any and all of your partner's emotional needs.
You keep secrets from friends and extended family - or you come up with clever excuses if they become suspicious.
You endure the abusive comments - or worse - to keep the peace.
In the end, you lose yourself in their relationship.
But somehow, it all makes sense to you.
I'm sure you're asking yourself where I'm going with this ...
Well, it seems to me that all the accommodations we make to our loved-one's addiction are exactly those we would make if we invited the person they were having the affair with in to live with us.
Addiction is a relational illness. The disease lies in the relationship a person has with their substance of choice. It's an emotional relationship that is more important to the addict than all other relationships in their life. That's why it affects all their other relationships. That's how families become alcoholic, or addicted families.
The addict may protest that it's not true - but all the evidence and behaviour points to an emotional, love connection with a substance (or substances and behaviours) that is the first priority in an addict's life.
And it is an emotional, love relationship.
When you make the decision to live with a loved-one in active addiction (and the same holds true if the addict is your son or daughter) you are making accommodations to a relationship that is as emotionally deceitful, disrespectful and devastating as inviting the person with whom your partner is having an affair into your home - to live - 24/7.
www.dalemacintyre.com
Well, it seems to me that all the accommodations we make to our loved-one's addiction are exactly those we would make if we invited the person they were having the affair with in to live with us.
Addiction is a relational illness. The disease lies in the relationship a person has with their substance of choice. It's an emotional relationship that is more important to the addict than all other relationships in their life. That's why it affects all their other relationships. That's how families become alcoholic, or addicted families.
The addict may protest that it's not true - but all the evidence and behaviour points to an emotional, love connection with a substance (or substances and behaviours) that is the first priority in an addict's life.
Addiction doesn't lie solely in the substance
Addiction doesn't lie solely in the person.
Addiction lies in the relationship between the addict and the substance.
And it is an emotional, love relationship.
When you make the decision to live with a loved-one in active addiction (and the same holds true if the addict is your son or daughter) you are making accommodations to a relationship that is as emotionally deceitful, disrespectful and devastating as inviting the person with whom your partner is having an affair into your home - to live - 24/7.
www.dalemacintyre.com
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