POWERLESS AND HELPLESS: PART ONE

The words we use when we talk about addiction and addiction's affects on relationships are hugely important. But sometimes our use of words makes it difficult to sort through the complexities of this devastating relational, human problem. 

The words I want to draw attention to are helpless and powerless.

In everyday life the experience of feeling helpless and being powerless -  are very different things - even though we use words interchangeably. But to do so diminishes both our experience and the spiritual reality of being human. 

OK, let me begin to explain, but I have to acknowledge that this is a sublime topic - and what I'm going to say here barely scratches the surface:

Powerlessness is a profound spiritual reality, while helplessness is a learned behaviour. 

What I mean in everyday language is this: being powerless is a fact. We experience it all the time. There is no escaping powerlessness. But the truth is, we are never helpless - it's a belief based on a false assessment of things. It may seem strange to say, but we always have a choice. 

Powerlessness is an acceptance of a reality - a surrender to reality if you like. When I am able to accept my powerlessness in some situation, my choices multiply. In others words, I can begin to see alternatives rather than bumping up against something repeatedly in exactly the same way. I can begin to see a problem differently and then make decisions about what I can do about it.

Helplessness on the other hand is the belief that no matter what I do, nothing will change. When I believe I am helpless in a given situation, I am convinced that I have no choice - usually based on my experience in other situations - but to do the same thing in all situations. 

 Definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

For the addict, or the people who love the addict for that matter, this difference is crucial. Most of us confuse powerlessness with helplessness - and will fight against accepting what we think is helplessness, sometimes to our dying breath.  We believe that to give in is to surrender to despair.

But when I drink too much or have become dependent on other drugs, my real struggle is against powerlessness, and that can be a great tragedy, because the struggle doesn't have to be. As I said, accepting powerlessness is an acceptance of reality - and when that acceptance occurs, there is relief, and peace. Accepting powerlessness means, paradoxically, that I can relax and enjoy my life because I don't have to fight against my drinking or using.  I can give up the fight and use my energies for more creative things. I can turn away from a relationship that is killing me (with alcohol or other drugs) and find joy in relationships that have meaning (friends? spouses? children? ... ) When I accept powerlessness my choices open up for me.

Of course the difference between helplessness and powerlessness is important far beyond the experience of addiction and its effects on relationships. But learning to understand the difference is a big part of our spiritual path. When we do learn and begin to live in the difference our experience of life and relationships change. 

When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. (Wayne Dyer)

We are powerless over many people, situations and things that we encounter every day. But we are never helpless. We can always do something different, even if what we do is as simple and as private as changing our attitude. 

In the context of the struggle against addiction and it's effects on relationships, understanding the difference between powerlessness and helplessness saves lives. When we accept our powerlessness, the next step is learning to accept help, and that's difficult for the self-reliant, defiant and grandiose. 

This difference is an important subject, so I'll come back to it next time with some illustrations from everyday life.