As much as cultures, communities and individuals hate to admit it, some people can't control their use of alcohol and other drugs and need to stop using them. How to accomplish the stopping is the challenge - and, when you consider the disease closely, it's really about how relationships need to change.
Addiction (or alcoholism, or chemical dependency) is a mysterious and complex disease, and our rational, scientific brains don't do well with mystery and complexity.
It is a disease of the whole person and all of his or her relationships. In other words, it is a pervasive, relational illness.
That means no one who is in relationship with the addict (or alcoholic or chemically dependent person) is unaffected: family, friends, co-workers, employers, employees ...
And the closer the emotional connection in the relationship, the greater the impact, the deeper the hurt.
Here's another way to look at addiction as a relational disease:
The disease does not lie solely in the substance (the drug of choice) - in other words, the issue is not how addictive the substance is ...
Nor does it lie in the person (the addict) - the issue is not solely about an addictive personality or addictive genes ...
Addiction is in the relationship between the person and the substance.
To put it in terms we are comfortable with: the brain chemistry of the person connects with the chemical makeup of the substance to form an exclusive, passionate,pathological and lethal relationship.
The relationship of the addict to their drug of choice is their primary, most important relationship. It is an emotional, love relationship.
Every other relationship in their lives - including children, spouses, parents - is secondary.
And, every other relationship is at the service of their relationship with their drug of choice.
Now it gets really complicated and mysterious - and devastating to children and families:
Deep down, loved-ones, friends and so on, know that the addict's relationship with his or her drug of choice is more important than they are. They also know deep down that this relationship is putting the addict's life and relationships in great danger.
So, loved-ones do everything they can to protect the addict from the consequences of their behaviour (this is what enabling is). They keep quiet and keep secrets. They get into control mode, they compromise their personal values. They take responsibility for the disease and feel guilty about it .... and so on.
They become obsessive and compulsive about their protecting and controlling behaviour - so much so that they lose themselves in the relationship with the addict.
Losing oneself because of complete emotional focus on others is the best definition there is of codependency.
Over time, people hurt by someone else's addiction make so many accommodations and adaptations to the person that their behaviour and attitudes begin to mirror addiction itself.
Codependency mirrors addiction:
The addict's primary relationship (addiction) is with their drug of choice - it's a relational disease.
But it's also relational because the people who love the addict have a drug of choice too - the addict.
Putting it more bluntly: the codependent's drug of choice is the addict.
Recovery means that relationships need to change:
The dance of addiction and codependence - the symbiotic relationship of mutual benefit and dependence - continues for years, even over generations, until at least one person in the relationship decides to stop dancing and take responsibility for themselves and their own behaviour.
Someone in a family decides that their life will no longer be at the service of addiction.
It could be the spouse, one of the children - even one of the parents.
It could be the addict.
People hurt by addiction need to learn how to recover their relationships with others - but especially with themselves.
The work of recovery is all about relationships:
People in recovery are, above all, working on themselves (relationship with self), and taking their growing sense of responsibility and emotional maturity into their relationships with others.
The process of growing up emotionally cannot start too soon - especially when addiction has embedded itself in a family.
Growing up emotionally. Seems like a good topic for next time.
Comments? dalemacsblog@gmail.com
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