I'm often asked: "What can I do to support my wife/son/father's recovery. Should we have alcohol in the house? Should we drink wine at Christmas? And so on ...
Here's the answer I always give:
The best way to support the recovery of someone you love is to undertake your own emotional recovery. Loving someone who is chemically dependent is a traumatic experience. Accepting that fact is difficult, but the sooner you can do so, the quicker your own recovery can begin - and happier, healthier relationships can be built.
Everything will not be OK just because the chemically dependent person stops drinking or using. New relationships must be built - even with family members.
It's also important to accept that you don't have to wait until the chemically dependent person starts his or her healing before you can start yours.
If you're tired of waiting for somebody else to change, you might think about changing the only person you have any influence over - yourself.
Here are some simple but profound reflections by someone who is doing the work of emotional recovery from loving someone who is chemically dependent. (I've altered some minor details to protect the person's confidentiality).
I'm realizing that I cannot do my recovery alone
- being OK to ask for help ... it's not a sign of weakness.
- being vulnerable is OK ... it's OK to let people in and trust them.
- I need a mirror to be held up to me by somebody I trust so I can become more self-aware.
- I'm so intent on self-control
- I'm too hard on myself and blame myself for my wife/son/father's addiction.
- I've been focusing too much on me and figuring it out on my own instead of letting people in and allowing them to walk with me on my journey.
- I need my support network to help me in my recovery - to work at my resentment - to separate forgiveness from saying what my wife/son/father is doing is OK - and to release the power that my wife/son/father still has over me.
I welcome your questions and comments
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