SURRENDER: THE KEY THAT OPENS THE DOOR

People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.  (Thich Nhat Hanh)

After writing about the power of vulnerability last week, this subject seems like the obvious next step. I hope it makes sense to you.

I'm coming to the conclusion, after years, decades even, of spiritual questing (bear in mind that I'm a very slow learner) that the key to entering the spiritual path, and finding one's true identity and some sense of peace and serenity in this life, is a genuine, deeply accepted experience of surrender. And that surrender is a decision that must be made many times ... even many times every day.  

How obvious can it be, right? Maybe. 

Surrender

A ubiquitous, misunderstood word the meaning of which is easily twisted and perverted so that anyone with a so-called healthy ego approaches it warily and can easily reject it as a choice for them.

Even one of my heroes, Bruce Springsteen (the Bodhisattva of New Jersey) sings the praises of the refusal to surrender:

Well, we made a promise we swore we'd always remember
No retreat, baby, no surrender
Like soldiers in the winter's night
With a vow to defend
No retreat, baby, no surrender

We believe surrender is all about white flags, knuckling-under, giving up, humiliation, weakness - ignominious defeat ...

But ...........

Surrender is essentially a decision and experience that is foundational to the spiritual journey, and at the same time it is a word so often used and abused that its meaning has descended to the ordinary, and has become invisible - and missed. Much like what's happened to the word mindfulness...... (but that's a word better left for another day)

Surrender

Watching people struggle against surrender every day brings it into vivid focus for me. I can see what they need to do - better than I can see what I need to do for myself - and I can see it because they will do anything to avoid surrender.

Consider the mother who admits she can't stop controlling and enabling her son active in his addiction. She will also admit that she will not stop doing it if it means letting go and dealing with her own feelings - even if and when he takes charge of his own life in recovery.

What she refuses to see is that as long as she clings to her belief that her son's health and happiness depend on her vigilance and controlling behaviour she remains trapped in the delusion that her concern is for her son - when the reality is, she is primarily concerned with meeting her own needs. 

And what are those needs? Soothing her overwhelming terror at what might happen to him, putting her own mistrust at the centre of their relationship, assuring herself that she can force an outcome that will bring her happiness and peace, and so on ...

Of course what she's unable to see, and is obvious to anyone else, is that if her son is in a solid recovery, she will put her relationship with him at risk with her controlling behaviour. And if his recovery is shaky, she will put both their lives at risk - because they will simply return to their old familiar dance at the service of addiction.

Surrender

A sublime, deeply spiritual decision and attitude
It is letting go
It is detaching with love
It is accepting the evidence of reality
It is living life on life's terms

Surrender is not something we can do with our heads. It is not something we can force or control by willpower. it is something we experience. ... Surrender sets the wheels in motion. Our fear and anxiety about the future are released when we surrender. (Melody Beattie)

Surrender is giving up control.

Surrender is free-falling with no guarantee of a soft landing - except the testimony of those who have fallen before us.

No wonder it's easier to reject than to accept.

A tough decision - to surrender. 

But the consequences of choosing not to are mostly negative, and, when addiction is at the centre of a relationship, all too often tragic.

The right shot, at the right moment, does not come because you do not let go of yourself. You are not waiting for fulfilment, but bracing yourself for failure. So long as this is so, you have no choice but to call forth something from yourself that ought to happen independently of you and so long as you call it forth your hand will not open in the right way--like the hand of a child.". ( D.T. Suzuki)

My wish for you is courage and resolve in the challenges of your life that call for surrender - I hope you will offer your support to me in mine.