This is my first volley into a discussion that I see all the time in my work with families who are hurt by addiction. It's a difficult thing to approach because it appears to denigrate a sacred insititution: motherhood.
Before I get into it, let me acknowledge that the mother-child relationship is the most fundamental and essential of all human relationships. The primary connection between mother and child transcends all human cultures (cultures organize all other relationships in a multitude of different ways) and provides a solid relational foundation upon which a healthy, happy life can be built - or not.
I want to be understood from the beginning that I recognize and accept that a mother's relationship with her child is, especially at the beginning, an important building-block for the child to grow up into a mature, resilient adult - or not.
A major part of growing into a mature, resilient adult is a process called the differentiation of a self. It involves developing an awareness of one's interdependence with others, an awareness of the influence of emotion and relationships on one's behaviour - while at the same time not being at the mercy of the feelings of the moment. A person with a well-differentiated self knows they are powerless over many things, but they also know they always have a choice - either to act selflessly or in the best interests of the group, - but not in response to relationship pressures.
A person with a well-differentiated self can be emotionally close to another but retains an independent, separate identity.
A person with a well-differentiated self can be honest with onself and others, be responsible to oneself and others and is forgiving of oneself and others.
BUT ...
A person with a poor sense of self will have difficulty thinking for themselves and taking on the responsibilities of adulthood. It is very difficult to be honest, forgiving and accountable for one's behaviour when pleasing others and relying on other's moods to determine one's own mood are what determines one's own well-being.
People tend to marry people at the same level of differentiated self as they are.
If people with a poor sense of self become parents, they will tend to raise kids with a poor sense of self.
And if a mother with a poor sense of self becomes anxious about the behaviour or safety of one of her children, she will protect and control that child - evoking the mantra - "I'm a mother ... " no matter how old the child is - well into their 30s, 40s and even 50s.
This is one of the major obstacles that prevents families from transcending the addiction of a son or daughter.
True, chemical dependency puts the addict's life at risk. People die as a direct result of drinking and using.
Knowing this, parents become over-protective and controlling, which unfortunately tends to accelerate their addicted child's downward spiral. Their inability to allow their son or daughter to experience the consequences of their behaviour all too often only makes things worse.
When someone is guaranteed to pay their rent or give them safe haven no matter what - why would an addict have the incentive to do anything but indulge their addiction?
The hardest part of the recovery journey for parents is recognizing their part in the addicted family system and stop doing it.
Detach with love is the mantra of family recovery.
Evoking the mantra - I'm a mother - is an excuse not to work on one's differentiation of a self - which would allow one's son or daughter to develop their own. (The good news is it's never too late to do so.)
Yes there are risks - but when a mother refuses to let go and let her child grow up, and that child is an addict, the risks are even greater.
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