I told you that after about forty minutes of observing her high anxiety and listening to her obvious distress, I began cautiously to shift the conversation from her husband's behaviour to hers.
I did this because I had to begin to direct this conversation.
In a therapeutic relationship the therapist must take a directive role. Even though it can be a collaborative dialogue - the therapist is being paid to blaze a trail to a satisfactory conclusion for the client. And one can't do that by sitting passively and nodding wisely.
To be sure, I could have decided to listen for the full sixty minutes, then make appointment after appointment with her to do the same thing. I could have remained a sympathetic listener and encouraged her to talk about how she felt when her husband drank and acted-out, which certainly could have been helpful to her.
But when addiction has infiltrated a relationship, or when the person in front of me - my client - expresses helplessness in the face of another's behaviour, it's really important to shift the direction of the conversation to my client's part and help them see that they do in fact have some choices. In other words, they may be powerless but they are never helpless. They may feel that way and they can give a mountain of evidence to prove it - but helplessness is a learned behaviour, whereas powerlessness is a profound spiritual reality at the core of human experience.
But I digress.
When addiction has infiltrated a relationship, probably the most difficult thing a loved-one of the addict has to do is take responsibility for themselves - their own behaviour and attitudes - and their own happiness and peace of mind. To put these things in the hands of another person - especially when that person is sick with addiction - is to invite suffering, chaos, disappointment, resentments and so on and so on ....
But as you saw from the conversation I told you about last time, taking responsibility for oneself and not waiting for, or expecting, another person to change is a tall order.
It is a hard road no doubt about it, but the rewards are immeasurable.
Now, to look at this stand-on-you-own-two-feet thing from a different angle: If you're old enough to remember how popular Kahlil Gibran's book The Prophet was in the 1960's you'll appreciate the timelessness of his poetry and his wisdom. I offer the following quote from his reflection on marriage - but it holds true as an ideal and a reminder for any intimate relationship between people:
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
No matter how close and intimate the relationship, it is important - not only for the individuals, but for the relationship - that each person has a deep and felt sense of themselves as separate from the other.
