IT IS UNKIND NOT TO ASK FOR HELP

Vancouver Island

Nanaimo, where I live and work, is on Vancouver Island, a large island off the west coast of Canada. I also work in Victoria, the capital of British Columbia. Victoria is on Vancouver Island too.

For millenia beyond count Vancouver Island has been the home of people we now call indigenous or First Nations people. The people who have historically inhabited the west coast of mid-Vancouver Island are made up of fourteen communities, collectively known as Nu-chah-nulth.

Recently I was introduced to a book, written in 2004, called Tsawalk: A Nu-chah-nulth Worldview by E. Richard Atleo.

Tsawalk means one.

E. Richard Atleo, whose Nu-chah-nulth name is Umeek, is a hereditary chief. He served as co-chair of the internationally recognised Scientific Panel for Sustainable Forest Practises in Clayoquot Sound on Vancouver Island and is a university teacher of First Nations Studies. 

Here's a short explanation of what the book is about (I'm borrowing the words of a couple of the reviewers of the book to keep it short):

Western philosophy has long held scientific rationalism in a place of honour. Reason, that particularly exalted human quality, has become steadily distanced from spirit, faith, and intuition.

Umeek argues that a spiritual view of nature is in many ways superior to the western disenchantment of the world. 

Tsawalk, meaning one is, for Umeek that spiritual view. Tsawalk sees the nature of existence as an integrated and orderly whole which recognises the intrinsic relationship between the physical and spiritual. By retelling and analysing the Nu-chah-nulth origin stories, Umeek demonstrates how Tsawalk provides a viable theoretical alternative that both complements and expands the view of reality presented by Western science.

Now, the reason I told you all that is because I read something in Tsawalk that made me sit up and take notice. At one point in his narrative, Umeek says this:

"...community is a natural phenomenon ... Interdependence is taken for granted. A specific Nu-chah-nulth teaching associated with the idea of community is that if one doesn't ask for help when help is needed then one is not friendly, one is not kind. Among Nu-chah-nulth a very strong teaching is the admonition to be kind. One of the strongest criticisms of another person's character is to say 'that person is not kind.' Consequently, a person in need is taught and encouraged to depend upon neighbours, and this interdependence is considered one of the strengths of a traditional Nu-chah-nulth community." 

Umeek is saying that refusing to ask for help when in need is unkind, because self-reliance breaks the bond of interdependence.

What a revolutionary idea.  

For most of us, schooled as we are in scientific rationalism and American individualism, asking for help is to admit weakness, to be a burden. Asking for help is something you might even be ashamed of. Self-reliance is the goal. Needing help puts me in a one-down position from you.

You can fill in the blanks if you like about how you feel when you have to ask someone for help. Do you feel you are being kind to them when you ask them for help?

The point I'm trying to make is that when life's challenges threaten to overwhelm - our own or somebody else's - the best way to find our way through the chaos, anxiety and despair is to ask for help. 

For example: the best guard against succumbing to codependent, enabling behaviour is other people.

It might make it easier to reach out if we could learn from the Nu-chah-nulth people -  look upon it as friendliness, a kindness I am doing for my neighbour. 

As much as we might want to pretend otherwise, we are relational beings - community is a natural phenomenon - and our happiness, our very survival, is dependent on on another. We are, every one of us - interdependent. 

                                                                                                           

BECOMING ADDICTS: WHAT ARE THE RISK FACTORS FOR KIDS?

Addiction experts and researchers often talk about the risk factors for developing addiction (aka alcoholism, chemical dependency) -  the disease of addiction.




A risk factor is something that is present in a person's life, physically, emotionally, socially that may contribute to them developing dependence on chemicals or behaviours (aka the disease of addiction or addiction disorder.)




And the life-stages they're most often referring to are childhood and adolescence. These are the life-stages that produce the next generation of addicts/alcoholics. 

The risk factors that have been identified most often are: 

     1. Social Environment      

2. Childhood Trauma (verbal, physical and/or emotional abuse)     

3. Mental Illness     

4. Genetics     

5. Early Use       

(see www.breakingthecycles.com)

When we begin to think about prevention, it feels a bit overwhelming to look at the first four risk factors - where do we start? Especially when we know kids who are growing up in chaotic homes where the adults are abusing, or dependent on, alcohol or other drugs.   

The fifth risk factor - early use - may be the logical choice for a child who is subjected to the first four. In other words, having a first drink at a young age would be considered normal for kid who lives with any of the first four risk factors. 

But it's been known for a few years that delaying first use of alcohol or other drugs helps to lessen the impact of the first four risk factors. Here's a summary from the results of a study that was published 11 years ago:   



Analysis revealed a rapid progression to alcohol-related harm among those who reported having their first drink at ages 11–14.  After 10 years, 13.5% of the subjects who began to drink at ages 11 and 12 met the criteria for a diagnosis of alcohol abuse, and 15.9% had a diagnosis of dependence. Rates for subjects who began to drink at ages 13 and 14 were 13.7% and 9.0%, respectively...

In contrast, rates for those who started drinking at ages 19 and older were 2.0% and 1.0%. 

CONCLUSIONS: First use of alcohol at ages 11–14 greatly heightens the risk of progression to the development of alcohol disorders and therefore is a reasonable target for intervention strategies that seek to delay first use as a means of averting problems later in life.

Study published in the American Journal of Psychiatry, May 1, 2000 (157:745-750)




So, in simple terms, almost 25 to 30 percent of the kids in this study who had their first drink between 11 and 14 years old developed problems with alcohol abuse or dependence within ten years, while only 3 percent of kids who didn't drink until they were at least 19 developed the same problems.

Prevention of addiction to alcohol and other drugs begins with connecting children to at least one safe adult (maybe it has to be you or me).

And that connection could easily help those kids decide to delay their first drink or toke or drag.  They would probably do so (not take that first drink at a vulnerable age) because they've been educated about addiction and have received support from some safe, stable adults. Despite all the other risk factors they've been subjected to, they might decide that putting off drinking or using is the safest, most logical choice for them.


Who knows? Your quiet, reassuring, guiding support for a child in your life might make all the difference in the world.




SELF-CARE IS NEVER SELFISH

Many people learn, from the time they are small children, that the best way to manage, get along, survive even, in their relationships with other people is to put themselves second. 

Maybe they grew up with addicted parents or parent ... or in otherwise unpredictable family circumstances. 

Maybe, especially if they are girls, they were taught that their lot in life is to defer, to serve others, especially men.

There are various ways this stance in life and relationships is named - one of the most common ways to name it is caretaking. 

Caretaking is the relational habit - the learned behaviour of being in a relationship - where a person focuses all of their emotional energy and attention on another person, or other people. They do this so much so that they lose relationship with themselves. 

They caretake others to such a degree that they have no idea how to care for themselves. 

They lose themselves. 

Looking after myself? Making sure I'm feeling OK? Taking care of my own needs? ....

Not even on the radar.

People who put themselves second in relationships have heard the message, or have told themselves, that all of the above are ways of being S E L F I S H ... and if they take some time to be selfish ... who knows what will happen?

They send themselves this message: ' ... all I know for sure is, whatever happens, I'll be to blame because I was being selfish ....'

The truth is, self-care is not being selfish. It's about deepening your self-awareness so you know what your limits are, and what boundaries you need to have in place in all your relationships.

In fact, self-care is really an act of generosity. 

The American writer and educator Parker Palmer puts it this way: 

Your Best, Most Balanced Self is Your Greatest Asset:

Self-care is never a selfish act - it is simply good stewardship of the only gift I have, the gift I was put on earth to offer others. Anytime we can listen to true self and give it the care it requires, we do it not only for ourselves, but for the many others whose lives we touch.

It's a powerful thing - to tell someone, or infer, that they're being selfish when they put their own needs first. (Someone tells a person ... then that someone's voice resonates forever when the person begins to say it to themselves ... on and on ...)

Or, more insidiously, the unspoken message received is that keeping the peace and getting along depends on one person getting their own way (or else!) ... and others deferring to him or her. (How strange it is to say, but the message is: "if you don't do what I want or listen to what I say, then YOU are being selfish".) 

But it's crucial that you learn self-care, because it is the only way to ensure that you really can help someone else - that you can give of yourself - with boundaries. (That's called caregiving by the way.) Your life depends on it. 

And the hard truth is - helping someone just might mean saying no.

POWERLESS IS NOT THE SAME AS HELPLESS

Recently I read an interesting blog on the Psychology Today website by Dr. Lance Dodes.

It got me thinking about the words we use when we talk about addiction and addiction's affects on relationships; and how our use of words sometimes makes it difficult to sort through the complexities of this devastating relational, human problem. 

To give you an example about what I mean, I'll refer directly to Dr. Dodes' article. His point is to explain the psychology behind addictive behaviours. First he says this:

.... addictive behavior is a temporary solution designed to reverse feelings of overwhelming helplessness. It is not at all motivated by a search for pleasure. In fact, it is almost precisely the opposite of a search for pleasure.

Then, later in the same article he uses an example to underscore his point, and says this:

Of course his drinking could be said to be out-of-control behavior, but looking at it from the inside out we can see it as a specific mechanism to manage intolerable feelings, an effort to maintain control against overwhelming powerlessness.

The words I want to draw atteniton to are, of course, helpless and powerless.

In the existential context of the human being, helplessness and powerlessness are very different realities, and to use them interchangeably diminishes both our experience and the spiritual reality of being human. 

OK, let me begin to explain, but I have to acknowledge that this is a sublime topic - and what I'm going to say here barely scratches the surface:

Powerlessness is a profound spiritual reality, while helplessness is a learned behaviour. 

Powerlessness is an acceptance of a reality - a surrender to reality if you like. When I am able to accept my powerlessness in a given situation, my choices multiply. In others words I can begin to see alternatives rather than bumping up against someting repeatedly in exactly the same way. I can begin to see a problem differently and then make decisions about what I can do about it.

Helplessness on the other hand is the belief that no matter what I do, nothing will change. When I believe I am helpless in a given situation, I am convinced that I have no choice - usually based on my experience in other situations - but to do the same thing in all situations. 

For the addict, or the people who love the addict for that matter, this difference is crucial. Most of us confuse powerlessness with helplessness - and will fight against accepting what we think is helplessness, sometimes to our dying breath.  We believe that to give in is to surrender to despair.

But when I drink too much or have become dependent on other drugs, my real struggle is against powerlessness, and that can be a great tragedy, because the struggle doesn't have to be. As I said, accepting powerlessness is an acceptance of reality - and when that acceptance occurs, there is relief, and peace. Accepting powerlessness means, paradoxically, that I can relax and enjoy my life because I don't have to fight against my drinking or using.  I can give up the fight and use my energies for more creative things - I can turn away from a relationship that is killing me (with alcohol or other drugs) and find joy in relationships that have meaning (friends? spouses? children? ... ) When I accept powerlessness my choices open up for me.

Of course the difference between helplessness and powerlessness is important far beyond the experience of addiction and its effects on relationships. Understanding the difference is a big part of our spiritual path. We are powerless over many people, situations and things that we encounter every day. But we are rarely, if ever helpless. We can always do something different, even if what we do is as simple and as private as changing our attitude. 

In the context of the struggle against addiction and it's effects on relationships, understanding the difference saves lives. When we accept our powerlessness, the next step is learning to accept help, and that's difficult for the self-reliant, defiant and grandiose. 

If you want to explore that next step, please read another article on this website:

POWERLESSNESS PART II: LEARNING TO ASK FOR HELP.

THE MYSTERY OF ENABLING

 Enabling is anything a person does, or doesn't do, that protects another person from experiencing the consequences of their behaviour.

Seems simple. And one's heart is usually in the right place, but it's really a complex relational behaviour.

It can be as obvious as giving a son or daughter rent money because they spent their pay cheque, or allowance, on other things...

... or, it could be passing a fellow employee in the hallway at work on Monday morning, smelling alcohol on their breath, and not saying anything about it - to the person or their supervisor.

Addiction and enabling go hand-in-hand. In fact, if individuals: friends and family, or the community: employers, social or health services - stopped enabling a chemically dependent person, addiction would not thrive the way it does. 

If the enabling system is cut off - if the chemically dependent person can't get away with anything - he or she has two choices: (1) change, or (2) run away.

That's why treatment and recovery must include helping people in relationship with the addict. Friends, family, employers, service providers - everyone - needs to learn about, and understand, their part in enabling the addiction of their friend, loved-one or client. 

People need to learn about their enabling behaviour and stop doing it.

If you don't, the person you care about may never get better.

 

But how, you ask, do I stop doing it - this enabling?

Let's look again at the simple definition: anything I do, or don't do, that protects someone from experiencing the consequences of their behaviour.

The simple answer is: stop protecting, ignoring, avoiding, defending, supporting - in short, stop shielding that other person from experiencing - or suffering -  the consequences of their behaviour.

Easier said than done. In most cases, learning to stop enabling requires much of the same intensive, honest, responsible and forgiving work of deepening one's self-knowledege that  an addict has to undertake to recover from their addiction. 

And sadly, few of us are willing to do that work. 

And so it continues ..................

POWERLESSNESS, PART II - LEARNING TO ASK FOR HELP

A few weeks ago I wrote about the difference between being helpless and being powerless (March 21, 2013). I ended this way:

When we accept our powerlessness, the next step is learning to accept help, and that's difficult for the self-reliant, defiant and grandiose. 
This difference is an important subject, so I'll come back to it next time with some illustrations from everyday life. 

It's not next time, but better late then never. so here goes: 

Personal powerlessness over others and other things is a fact of human existence. It is a deep spiritual reality, and knowing when to accept the fact of my powerlessness is the means to a happier, healthier and more peaceful life.  

It's also true that anytime, anywhere that I'm powerless, I need help, or support from somebody else. Pretty simple, and probably self-evident.

But it's amazing how the step from accepting that I'm powerless to asking someone to help me is so difficult that it stops me from even looking at the possibility that I might be powerless over something or someone. 

The prospect of having to ask for help can become a barrier to accepting that I'm powerless.  

It locks me into a self-reliant cycle of controlling behaviour and anxious, fearful, helpless feelings.

Melody Beattie puts it really well: "When I try to control myself by rigidly repressing my thoughts and feelings, I lose myself.  I fall deeper into the pit of myself and the morass of codependency."

[By the way, that's what codependency is: I focus so much attention on someone else, and deny myself so much, that I lose myself. Here's the challenge - if, as all the spiritual masters and saints - not to mention psychotherapists and counsellors - say, the ultimate goal is to give myself away, the first goal must be to gain a strong sense of self, so that I can give it away. In other words, the ego can only be transcended by first cultivating a strong ego. But I digress ... :-) ] 

When I accept that I'm powerless - let's say over someone's choice about whether they drink or not - I'm doing nothing less than surrendering to reality. Which is a very significant thing, believe it or not ....

I'm "giving my head a shake"
I'm "waking up and smelling the coffee" 

But, you say, if I stop my controlling and protecting and enabling, that person might embarrass me, or hurt me or someone else ... she might ruin us financially ...  he could end up living under a bridge ... and he might even die. And so on ...

You probably would also say, I know what I'm doing isn't helping, but I can't stop. I'm too scared

Or you might say, I'm sick of being blamed for the drinking and him accusing me of ruining his life. I'm not going to be around him anymore. I'm angry, resentful and ashamed - of myself and him. When I'm not with him I can put those feelings away, but they come out, usually directed at somebody else.

What's the common thread in all of that? And in every one of the millions of examples of why I can't accept powerlessness and surrender to reality?

It is simply this: I am afraid - that I will be left all alone - with overwhelming feelings and the crushing responsibility for something terrible that might happen ... maybe....

When I accept that I am powerless and shift my attention away from the other person and onto caring for myself,  and take responsibility for my own behaviour, I probably will feel many uncomfortable feelings.

If I give in and say yes - I feel frustrated and resentful.
When I set a boundary and say no - I feel anxious and guilty.

Am I saying if you do the right thing you'll still feel guilty?  Yes you no doubt will. That's the price we pay for being healthy, caring people.

But that's when you must recognize, and admit to yourself, that you need help. Help to walk through those painful, terrifying thoughts and feelings that tell you to say yes when you know it's right to say no.

You need someone to talk to, and be reminded that you're not alone.

Accepting personal powerlessness in any situation is difficult. But believing that you can find help and support in your powerlessness - and then accepting that help and support may be harder still.

But it's the best ticket out of a life that is under the thumb of addiction - your own, or that of someone you love.